Affectus-part 4

My rage induced action had not affected the mirror much. The mirror just had few cracks. However it was my hand that was bleeding. If that was not enough, my parents came up to see what went wrong. I tried to blame my clumsiness for my injury. They believed me but I could see my mum suspect something fishy. Ahh!! These humans called mother! They could investigate even small things.

My mum was busy dressing my wound. “ I know you purposely broke that mirror. I won’t ask you reason for doing this. But you can share anything you want with me. We are always there for you. If you are in trouble, feel free to share it with us.”, she said.

I swallowed back the emotions and tears that was erupting from my heart. I pretended as if nothing had happened. How was my mum going to help me anyway? Obviously he wouldn’t come back because of my mum. Even if I shared my deepest feeling, she would clearly blame me while giving me that ‘ I told you so’ look.

Life was colourless. It held no meaning. I was all alone most of the time. My day passed with replaying those memories-good and bad again and again in my mind. My night was worse than days where I cried inconsolably. I stayed away from people who cared about me. I became more involved with my past.

After that day, he never tried to contact me to see how I was. He had ‘moved on’ while bringing me down to level of insanity. I donned ‘ Mr. Scrooge’ persona-completely cold and aloof. People did show their concern for quite some time. Later they left me to my condition.

Life became worse when college was over. At least I had something productive to do when I had college. I was lost. This made me realize that how much I was dependent on him. I had planned my life with him. Now that he was not there, those plans were of no use.

In a whole I became depressed and unhappy with myself. I constantly felt insecure. I had completely closed myself to my dearest ones. I would lash out on people who tried to shower love towards me. I blocked myself inside the four walls. I had become used to loneliness and love to me became nonexistent feeling.    

I was getting sucked into dark hole of negativity and worthlessness. I felt as if there was no way out of this. Was I going to be like this? How could he be so happy when I am in pain? Doesn’t he ever think about what I am going through? Does he ever think about me? These thoughts circled my head like vultures scavenging their prey.

(To be continued)