Affectus-part 5

The days had passed like flying cards. One year was gone in the wind. I was still the same me while he cherished life. I had heard that he was moving in with his current girl friend. His happiness spurned my heart. I was burning with jealousy and desires of changing the time back. However deep down my heart, I believed this desire would remain desire forever.

I started penning my feelings into words. I hid these words in a book that I carried around. This book had become my close friend with whom I could share my deepest secrets.

It was end of the year-time for celebrations. I was in no mood for all this. I had long time ago shut myself from all kind of happiness and celebrations. However my cousins dragged me to a party. The crowd nauseated me. I was not used to too many people surrounding me. I tried pushing myself out of the crowd.

The music was playing at highest volume. People were dancing like crazy. While I felt like lost puppy trying to get away. As I made my way through, I saw the unexpected thing-him. He was slow dancing with her in middle of dance floor. They looked very happy together. It took me back to the time when we slow danced like this. Those were the times when we had forgotten the whole world. What mattered to us was our togetherness. They ended their dance into a waltz pose. Everyone else stopped doing what they were doing and became their audience. After the dance, they clapped with some people hooting for them.

I couldn’t stand any longer. A minute longer would have killed me. I got away from the crowd and stuck with my book. I scribbled my fresh feelings into words. I painted them as per the directions of my mind. It hadn’t been long when my notorious cousin , Rahul , came from nowhere and snatched my book. He was reading it aloud as I chased him like an angry bull. “ Hey… this is nice. You do have panache for writing. I didn’t know my little sister was a hidden writer.”, he applauded me. I smiled shyly…Wait! Smile! I smiled for the first time! After all these days, I smiled !!

(To be continued)

Affectus-part 4

My rage induced action had not affected the mirror much. The mirror just had few cracks. However it was my hand that was bleeding. If that was not enough, my parents came up to see what went wrong. I tried to blame my clumsiness for my injury. They believed me but I could see my mum suspect something fishy. Ahh!! These humans called mother! They could investigate even small things.

My mum was busy dressing my wound. “ I know you purposely broke that mirror. I won’t ask you reason for doing this. But you can share anything you want with me. We are always there for you. If you are in trouble, feel free to share it with us.”, she said.

I swallowed back the emotions and tears that was erupting from my heart. I pretended as if nothing had happened. How was my mum going to help me anyway? Obviously he wouldn’t come back because of my mum. Even if I shared my deepest feeling, she would clearly blame me while giving me that ‘ I told you so’ look.

Life was colourless. It held no meaning. I was all alone most of the time. My day passed with replaying those memories-good and bad again and again in my mind. My night was worse than days where I cried inconsolably. I stayed away from people who cared about me. I became more involved with my past.

After that day, he never tried to contact me to see how I was. He had ‘moved on’ while bringing me down to level of insanity. I donned ‘ Mr. Scrooge’ persona-completely cold and aloof. People did show their concern for quite some time. Later they left me to my condition.

Life became worse when college was over. At least I had something productive to do when I had college. I was lost. This made me realize that how much I was dependent on him. I had planned my life with him. Now that he was not there, those plans were of no use.

In a whole I became depressed and unhappy with myself. I constantly felt insecure. I had completely closed myself to my dearest ones. I would lash out on people who tried to shower love towards me. I blocked myself inside the four walls. I had become used to loneliness and love to me became nonexistent feeling.    

I was getting sucked into dark hole of negativity and worthlessness. I felt as if there was no way out of this. Was I going to be like this? How could he be so happy when I am in pain? Doesn’t he ever think about what I am going through? Does he ever think about me? These thoughts circled my head like vultures scavenging their prey.

(To be continued)

 

Affectus-part 3

My whole world had crashed. The dreams of bright future that I had knitted in my mind were torn apart. The surroundings looked hazy in front of these tensions. The music that was playing in the background didn’t suit my mood. People around me looked so happy except me. How could he say that? I had tried every single day to save our relationship. Doesn’t he want us together? Didn’t he share same dreams as mine? Where were those promises of ‘being there for you forever’?

“ Hey , what happened? I hope you don’t take this to your heart. I mean I know we have grown apart over the years. Hell ! We were so young when we were in love. By the way, that love was just infatuation. Nothing more!”, he said casually.  How could he just say that our love was infatuation? Maybe it wasn’t for him. But it was more to me. I had shared everything to him-my life and soul. Yeah! We had grown apart. But love..never!! I still loved him too much. Wait a minute! Was he tired of me? Did he meet someone?  

“ So who is that girl?” I asked him directly, trying to control my emotional outburst. He looked stunned at me as if I caught him red handed. “ Ummm… ummm… there is no…I mean I met somebody.”, he said the truth innocently. “ All the best! Be happy! Don’t break her heart like how you did to me. Goodbye.”I said , knowing nothing else to say. I left him confused. I knew what he was thinking. He probably thought why I didn’t blurt out. I was known for my wild tempers. But what was the use of screaming at a person who was not coming back.

I didn’t cry or react during the whole journey. The dark grey clouds were forming inside my heart. Negative voice abused me with all sorts of words. It made guilty for falling into love. Within few minutes after this unfortunate happening, I stopped believing in love. 

I reached home almost in tears. I hurried to my room without having anybody asking me for reason for those tears. I played loud music to confuse my parents into thinking that I was normal. Sadly! I wasn’t normal. My heart was broken. My soul was shattered into pieces. I cried uncontrollably. All I wished was that he changed his mind and followed me to tell me that he would never break my heart again. This was never going to happen. 

I sat next to the dressing table. I stared hard at my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t recognize me. All of sudden I felt so ugly about myself. In fit of rage, I smashed the mirror with a vase kept aside the table. Did he leave me due to my appearance? Was I really ugly? I had no answer for this. 

(To be continued)

Affectus-part 2

I dressed my best. It wasn’t that I was meeting him for the first time. I loved dressing for him. I wore his favorite colour-yellow off shoulder top matched with white shorts. I topped that with white strappy sandals. I applied light make up to add some colour on my face. My lips were prominently red. I was ready for a perfect romantic date. But I wasn’t sure that it would be one.

He had invited me to the café. This place was filled with special moments that we shared. It was where we had our first date. Ah that day- how can I not remember?  We were so conscious about ourselves. Shyness and awkwardness had taken over us. But that stayed only for few minutes when he first cracked a joke. This broke the ice between us. He had this charm that thwarted my heart whenever I was mad at him or felt shy to talk to him. He knew the words that I loved to hear. He had perfectly fit into my world. Alas! this was I thought at the beginning. Now I had no clue of what was happening to us.

“ Hi, early bird!” his voice startled my thoughts. He was as usual five minutes late. I looked at him from top to bottom. His dressing sense still didn’t change. Oh lordie! I had tried to change his dressing style in vain. But nothing worked. He remained in his original self and I accepted him as he was. “ So… let’s order something. I am starving!”, he said. I knew he would do this first. I sometimes wonder how does he maintain his tiny waist with his large appetite. We placed a large order for him and I just had a cup of coffee. Unlike him I was very conscious about what I ate.

While having his double cheese burger, he said,” Ummm… I wanted to tell you something.” Ah! That ‘something’ pricked my heart. I hoped it was good ‘something’. Was it marriage on cards? We did spend three years together watching ourselves grow together from good to bad moments. Convincing my parents would piece of cake for me. Or was he asking me to move in with him? This would really need a lot of thinking…

“ Trina, I want to break up with you… Sorry… I don’t think…it’s going anywhere… You need something else and I need something else.”, he said. Break Up! No! I wasn’t listening to him clear. My mouth had become dry. I sucked my lower lip with pain in my heart. I was dumbfounded by what he had said. What did he mean by saying that he and I needed different things in life. Wasn’t relationship between two people based on compromise and acceptance?

I wanted to slap tight on his face. Every part of me wanted to scream ‘Why?’ at him. But I felt tongue tied. He did all the talking. He spoke of our incompatibility and my emotional outbreaks that drove him mad. He spoke of my clinginess, immaturity and ‘no life’ attitude. He bought me down. He broke my soul with words that sounded so strange and new to me. Was I the person he complained about? It looked stranger to me. I didn’t know me anymore. I became deaf to what he said and my tears smudged my eyes. 

(To be continued)

Affectus-part 1

Love happens instantly. It never gives you any sign of when it is comings. It just happens. But when it comes, it doesn’t tell you that it comes with many labels. One of them is pain. This remains in your relationship until you find another love. But what if your heart could never be mended? What if the pain still remains and reminds you everyday of it’s existence? What if you stop believing in love?

These were the questions that I never thought about when I fell in love. Now that it was gone, I was in total mess. Ah! Those were the days that would never come back. We met through common friends. Our budding friendship turned into a love story. He showered all love onto me. Things changed with time. Our love was evaporating into the thin air. We drifted apart from each other. There was a time when we couldn’t think of staying away from each other.

I was sitting at my usual adda- the place where I came to relieve my loneliness or I could say to self pity myself. The cause of my loneliness – his irregularity in messaging me or picking up my calls. I had been messaging him for past few days. He hadn’t responded to any of these. He had been ignoring me lately. This had taken a toll on me making me depressed. But I didn’t allow it to suppress whatever love I had for him.

So I sat on the ground of terrace of my apartment and was sliding the pictures on my Smartphone. We looked so happy and most importantly in love. They were taken during our first days. I would never  forget that. First days of a relationship are always special. You overlook all kinds of defects during those time. Love! It makes colour less picture look so perfectly beautiful.

The sound of my phone ring startled me from my seat. I had almost dropped my phone. I picked the call and to my relief, it was him. I felt kind of peace within me. “ Hi”, he said in his usual charming voice. “Hey darling! I was thinking about you. Why haven’t you responded to any of my messages or calls.”, I said desperately. “Hmmm.. sorry about that. Can we meet somewhere? I need to tell you something.”, he said.

Meet somewhere! These two words echoed in my head. What did he meant by ‘ meet somewhere’? I wished that nothing serious should happen.

(To be continued)

Let go-part 12

The night was young with shining full moon. It had been many days since Jasmin and Sarah spoke. She no longer met Aman’s eyes at office. She had requested for transfer which was still pending. She wanted to get away from people whom she once thought cared about her. She had become her usual cold self.

“Hi, Please can we talk.”, he said for zillionth time from past six days. She ignored him as she had been doing after that unfortunate incident. He tried to talking to her in various ways.. making up situations to talk to her. But they never worked.

She was waiting for her cab after the tedious work. There was no one. It was a last shift and she was only person. She felt someone towering her from behind. She turned behind to see that it was him trying one of his tactics to talk to her. She moved few distance away from him. But it was too late before he grabbed by her arm and gave her a passionate kiss. She tried to resist it. However she felt into his charms.

                                           *****************

Sarah sat on the couch, waiting for her niece. She was feeling low after what had happened. Jasmin’s cold attitude towards her was taking toll on her. This was making her feel frustrated and guilty. Hiding one truth had become a punishment to her. She only wished that her normal Jasmin was back. She heard bell ring. She got up as a routine to open the door. She knew it was her. But it was strange. Jasmin never rang the bell nowadays. She would open the door by herself.  As she opened the door, she was welcomed by bear hug by her niece. This took her by surprise. It was a dream. She knew if she blinked her eyes , it would vanish. She blinked twice. It didn’t vanish. It was real.

“ Sorry Sarah. I should have believed you. But I was too selfish to listen to you.”, Jasmin said softly. “ No darling, you have every right to be angry.” , Sarah said. “ I didn’t know my dad was trying to get us( Jasmin and her mother) killed. I blamed mother for no reason. She was trying to protect me. I feel so guilty. She was truly great person. She was no coward. Facing goons like my dad was tough job for her. I didn’t know that dad hated me for being  a daughter. I… always blamed mother to keep me away from dad.” , Jasmin said. “ Don’t blame yourself! We never wanted you to know the truth. But this truth cost us your happiness. We are sorry.” Sarah consoled her.

“ Now.. Now guys!  What about me? I felt so neglected.” Aman joked. Jasmin playfully hit him on his shoulder and said, “ Sarah, Thanks for this gift (pointing at him). He’s the best gift I ever had.” “ Don’t leave me again and I have asked boss to reject your transfer request.”,he smiled.

After few weeks, they met Sairah. This time there was proper mother-daughter bonding. Sairah at last got her daughter back. Jasmine had finally let go off her demons called negativity from her life and accepted her life with open hands.

                                               ******** The end*********

              

Let go-part 11

They reached a small building located in the corner of the road. The place wasn’t deserted. There was a bus stop next to the area with few shops. The fence surrounding the building was made of brick with green blue algae that hid the original colour of brick. A familiar looking lady stood at the entrance. As they came closer, the lady became more and more known to Jasmin. “ Here we are!”, he shouted in excitement. But the excitement in Jasmin’s heart  died in minutes when they reached here. She had to force herself to witness her nightmare standing there. She wished this was all a dream. But it wasn’t. She blinked twice and pinched herself. Nothing had changed. Everything stayed there as it was.

On the other hand, the familiar lady was happy to see her daughter-Jasmin here after long ..long years. There was love in her moist eyes. She wanted to hug and hold her for a long time.

 “Why are we here?”, she asked sternly. Everyone was shocked to hear her ask that. “ Well.. Jazz!! I wanted you to meet Ms. Sairah. It's because of her for who I am now. She has been the pillar of my support. I was orphaned by my mother who was too poor to feed me. Sairah aunt raised me up and never let me feel alone.”, he explained.

“ She!! It’s a joke. She couldn’t even take care of her own kid. She took care of you! You have no idea what kind of woman she is- selfish and coward!” she raised her voice. Aman couldn’t take her accusation lightly. “ Don’t say that! You have no rights to accuse your mother.”, he scolded him. “ When did I say she was my mother, Aman? You knew about this?” she asked with folded hands and started expression.

He realized that he could no longer lie to her. “ Hmmm.. I knew you way before we met . There was not a single day, she didn’t talk about you. There was not a single day, she didn’t care about you. She would call Sarah every day to inquire about your well being. But she was sad to hear about how lonely and cold you had become. So Sarah called me here….” , he said softly. “ Oh!! So this was Sarah’s plan. She sent you in my life. Oh lord! And all this while I thought you were in love with me. So you were a toy sent to me by my aunt to keep me happy. I hate you, Aman. I knew you were a liar. But a liar sent by this treacherous woman, I hadn’t known.”, she cried.

Before Aman could speak anything, she left the place. She ran as fast she could. Aman tried to stop her but she boarded the first bus she got.

(To be continued)

Let go-part 10

Everything was suddenly changing for good. Jasmin had started to open up a bit. She was becoming mellower replacing the cold streak in her. Her face glowed when she was with him. She was enjoying every moment of her life. Her life seemed so colourful to her. Her heart now belonged to him. She loved everything she hated before-rain, flowers and most importantly Aman. The lost smile on her face was back. However she was scared to share her feelings to him due to fear of losing him.

It was beautiful night. Moon was shining bright. He was dropping her after a tiring day. It had become a routine to Aman which he did enjoy from the time he started doing it. As he wished her goodbye, he asked, “ Are you free tomorrow? I mean there is this nice place that I would like…” Before he could complete his sentence, Sarah interrupted in between, “ Yeah ,she’s free tomorrow.”

Jasmin blushed and ran towards her room. Aman brushed his hair shamefully and started his bike. “So what time will you pick her up tomorrow?”, Sarah asked. “ Hmm… around 10 o clock.”, he replied. “ Ok, I will tell her that.”, she smiled.

 Sarah made sure her niece looked her best. She had spent two hours in choosing the right dress and matching accessories. That meant, Jasmin had changed about dozen dresses until Sarah said those three words-This is perfect! 

The bell rang on the right moment. He stood outside, dressed in casual jeans and tousled hair. He was looking gorgeously handsome. Jasmin couldn’t keep her eyes off him. She badly wanted to hold him in her arms. But she controlled herself. “ Aman, you look good as always.”, Sarah said. “ Thanks, Sarah. But your niece is looking ravishingly pretty today.”, he said. Jasmin blushed , making her cheeks red. “So enjoy, guys.” Sarah said, sending them off.  

There was an eerie silence in the car as he drove past the town. It was sending butterflies to Jasmin’s tummy. They hadn’t spoken a word since they started their journey from home. Jasmin wanted to speak her heart out.  But the words didn’t seem right.

They left the city and came across beautiful scenery. Mountains covered with tropical forests and the sun rays shining past the thick forest like the raindrops. The place was filled with serenity and peace.  Jasmin was loving this place more than she would. This was indeed perfect for her. Peaceful place and love beside her… she wanted nothing else except time to standstill.

(To be continued)