Solitary Love- Part 10

Why? One moment she said she loved him. The other moment she pushed him away. Was he just a toy to play with?  He had mixed bag of emotions flowing inside his heart. He was confused as well as angry.

Why did she show him dreams when all she wanted was to push him anyway? She took him to highest levels of heavenly pleasures and pushed him down. Why? Was this one of the methods of English to bring Indians down?, he wondered.

He had to confront her. He had to know the truth. He was searching for the right moment. He followed her everywhere. But the right moment was yet to come.

One fine day,the moment had come. He grabbed her hand in front of many people. He didn't care of anyone talking behind their backs or sharing their secret to Wilmington . "Tell him that you love me. Why are u doing this to me?

She didn't understand what he said. He looked like a mad man to her. Her conscience scolded her for betraying him. She pushed him back and said, "It's a mistake! Go away!" Willington was quickly given this piece of information. He couldn't take this and thrashed him bad that very night.

He was in pain and so was she. She tossed on the bed the whole night while thinking about him. She had to meet him and see if he was fine. She had to tell him to stay away from her.

(To be continued)

Solitary Love- Part 9

Those three words only  were the only words he had learnt in English. Those three words were the only words that bought joy. Love was mystique that made you believe in heavenly happiness that never existed.

He started dreaming of the future so bright with him and her in fantasy world where there was no place for sadness or loneliness.

They had released themselves from their embrace. They looked at each other with all love. Was it sin to love his Sahib's wife? His heart feared that something bad was looming around their relationship. This was not right. What would happen if Willington found out?

He wanted to express his feelings too. But he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to say his feelings out in the language she would understand. Words ...language was the villian of their simple yet complex story.

Her heart wanted answer while soul . She knew that it was not right though she wanted it. She was married woman. She was committed to Jack ( Willington). She had made promises in front of God that she would safeguard their relationship. How can she break it up for love?

" You should leave, I am sorry.", she said and left. He was baffled. Why did she leave? Where did she go? Too many surprises didn't go well with him.

(To be continued) 

Solitary Love- Part 8

He was shocked. His body jolted due to her touch. Nobody held him that way. He didn't expect that someone would be greet him with warm welcome during his arrival.

He felt happy deep inside. He knew how miserable he was without her. He hadn't realized that this feeling of pain and now relief was result of love that grew in his heart. 

He had left home because of her. His life had become like barren without her though his source of bread and butter was lost after he was thrown out of his job. Instead of finding other sources,he observed the movement of Willington. As soon as he realized Willington wasn't there in town, he jumped at this opportunity to meet her.

When Willington stepped out of the house, he tiptoed into house. He had to make sure that he wasn't caught red handed. Once he found her alone, he walked slowly to surprise her. But her sudden touch surprised him. He never expected that she would be waiting for him.

Love is blind. He hadn't yet realized that he was deeply in love with her. He still mistook it for friendship until she hugged him. Was her simple touch enough to make him believe he was in love with her? Did she love him the way he did? He wanted to release himself from such thoughts. But what followed next shocked him more.

"I love you!",she said , making his heart jump with joy. So it was love that bought two lonely souls together. His heart relaxed and all doubts of broken heart disappeared in thin air.

(To be continued)

Solitary Love - Part 7

The parties were boring. It was plain. There were the same old things that happened in every gathering.These so called civilized people behaved in typical way.They wore heavy victorian gowns and the civilized men wore trousers. They danced like as if they were some delicate dolls made of glasses. They ate food with polite manners. There was no laughter or fun.

All of this made her heart swell. She didn't enjoy. She became her old soulless self. She missed her new friends. Srinivasan was thrown out of his job that very day when he was found speaking to her. That was last day when she smiled with open hearts. She was lost in herds of civilized crowd.

She tried to ask about him to head servant. He didn't tell anything to her. He wouldn't even look at her in her eyes. After constantly asking him, she lost her hope.

She was losing herself and loathing her life. Everyday parties weren't her thing. She stopped going at once. She sat home knitting sweaters which helped her spend time. However it didn't bring the needed compassion in her life. Her life was cold.

It was usual day. She sat outside, looking at bright outside world. She was comparing her sullen inside self with outside world. It looked like an oasis to her thirsty heart. 

Suddenly she felt someone standing next to her. She looked up to see Srinivasan smiling at her. She jumped and hugged him instantly. There was sudden happiness and hope in her life. He was like the raindrop to her barren soul.

(To be continued)

Solitary Love- Part 6

"Do you sing?", Srinivasan asked. Head servant translated it to her. She nodded and said, "yes and it's the choir.". She started singing. Her voice was beautiful. She missed few beats.

The head servant taught her few words while Srinivasan taught her the simple tunes. She was quick learner. She picked up fast.

It didn't take them many days to teach her the song she wanted to learn. Meanwhile she became good friends with them. She would spend most of her lonely time with them.

Srinivasan's view about English changed slowly. Was she really nice and kind? Was she playing with them like the other English men. His heart wanted to believe that not all English men  were bad and evil. There were few who had golden hearts like her. It is not the human who are bad but their actions that turn them bad. But the fear within him never let him believe this beautiful philosophy.

One fine day, Willington came home to see his wife spending time with the low class gardener. He was shocked. What was going on? What was his wife doing with that animal. He marched towards him and thrashed him. Later he grabbed his wife's hand and walked her to their room.

"What were you doing with that man?", he asked. " I was talking to him. I get lonely, Jack! I need some company.", she replied. "I will introduce you to some group of my friend's wives. You need to spend time with civilized than these filthy people.", he said firmly.

(To be continued)

Solitary Love- Part 5

"Sorry, I got late.", head servant said this nth time now. Srinivasan counted the sorries joblessly while the head servant spoke to her about the deal in her language. He also noticed that she would momentarily gaze at him when she got every moment free.

He stared at her emerald eyes. He had never seen such pretty eyes. Her nose was well shaped, small and pointed. Her lips were red and for one moment, he wanted to kiss them. Suddenly he stopped looking at her and controlled his emotions.

Why did he think like this? She was member of the intruder  clan. He cannot commit sin by thinking about her in such manner. He diverted his mind to music and forms of it.

His love for music was like love he had for plants. The sweet symphony amazed him the way it calms him. The lyrics wandered in his mind like the soul wandering in the forest. He listens to the beats in his heart.

Suddenly he sang the words of love and discussions stops in middle. They listen to him with amazement. When he comes to his senses, he stops. "Why did you stop?", she said.

"Can we start ?" , he looked at head servant. The heart servant guides to them to place where no one visits. They are sitting on the luscious green grass while she is sitting on the cloth mat.


( To be continued)

Solitary Love- Part 4

The day was perfect though it was winter. The sun shined while cold wind blowing across the land momentarily. He had finished his work early to include the new role.

He despised it. Why should he teach the sacred song to the intruder? The land he was standing and the soil that he felt under his feet was snatched by the countrymen of her land and no one cared about it.

He wanted to start a movement like the one started fifty years back by a soldier against British. Unlike the solider, he had no courage. He ended up working for one to support his poor family.

"Good morning! You are early today. Anyway thanks for your time.", she said politely. He didn't understand the language she spoke. Was she insulting him? He had known that the English knew how to treat people ( not superior to their race) miserably. He shouldn't have agreed to the head servant.

Where was the head servant? He made disgusted look. He didn't want to be left alone with this stranger. He looked around while she smiled at him time to time. There was an eerie silence between them.

At last after hundred terrible waiting minutes,the head servant arrived. He huffed and came. After taking few deep breaths to compose himself, he apologized for coming late. Srinivasan understood the value of time for the first time.


( To be continued)

Solitary Love- Part 3

They tried to control their laughter. However her inquisitive to learn their language amused them.She was surprised by laughter. Did she say anything wrong? Being the wife of General Willington was becoming curse than boon for her. She did love her husband yet she was feeling distant. 

Her husband wouldn't be at home most times,leaving her alone with her unmet desires. She felt like dead soul in strange land. She was married to Willington because of the family status they shared and what would their union would bring to them.

The soft song sung by this rough person bought life into her. It bought peace that was missing in her life. Today she decided to find the singer of that song. She was surprised when they laughed at her request. Did she say something wrong?

" I am sorry if I sounded funny. The song is so beautiful.", she said. "No Memsaheb ! If you want to learnt it, Srinivasan will teach you. But I have to be there as a translator.", the head servant said.

She smiled at once and agreed. Later when Srinivasan got to know about the deal, he disagreed. " I can't do this! She is Sahib's wife and why should I teach intruders of our land , our song? They have taken a lot from us.", Srinivasan said.

"She will pay you well. She is newly wedded wife and if we are providing company to her, what is wrong in there? You are not thinking properly.", head servant said. However he wasn't still convinced.

(To be continued )

Solitary Love - Part 2

Something struck him. Suddenly reality became visible. He left the place and walked to different part of area which needed his attention. However the beauty followed him there.

"Hey where are you going? Don't be shy. I won't bite you.",she said. Her voice was sweet like honey. It melted his ears. It was more like symphony to his heart. He didn't understand the foreign language she spoke.What was happening? He was trying to get away but it followed him.  

He rushed towards the head servant. She followed him there too. "She's following me. I don't know why.", he said in his local language. The colour of head servants face changed when he saw her.

"Don't you know who she is! She is Sahib's daughter. She might have wanted something from you.", the head servant replied back. "Memsahib, do you want something?", the head servant continued

"Oh yes! I wanted to know the song he was singing . It's beautiful.", she said. "Song... (he looked at Srinivasan and whispered to him local language) Yes, I know, memsahib. It is just a tribal song .", head servant said.

"Could you ask him to teach me too please? I would like to learn it. ", she asked. Both the servants looked at each other. They wanted to laugh but they didn't have the freedom to laugh. An Englishwoman wanted to learn the language detested by her own countrymen.

(To be continued)

Solitary Love - Part 1

The sun hid behind the dark grey clouds. Winter hadn't yet started and it was cold already. Tiny droplets of rain hit the soil of colonized India where the word 'freedom' was only a strange word.  

Srinivasan was covered from head to toe with thick shawl. It was only source of heat for him. His thin dhoti cloth didn't do much to cover his strong able body.

He walked faster. He was ten minutes late to his Sahib's house. He had worked there as a gardener for five years from now. His work was the only reason that his Sahib tolerated his unpuntuality. His love for plants was the only way to feed his family.

He reached the garden where the head servant waited impatiently for him." You are late again. Thank god that Sahib didn't see you now. Go and water the plants.", the head servant said.

He nodded his head. He quickly rushed to plants and started his work. He sang soft songs on nature in language he knew since child while he watered the plants. He kneaded the soil and sow the seeds of love.

"You sing beautifully. What is this song?", a feminine voice said. He looked behind to see a doll... or  Was she a nymph in typical Victorian dress? Whatever she was, he hadn't seen the girl so fair with blonde hair that blew momentarily across her face. He stared at the beauty and stopped what he was doing.

(To be continued)

This Shit called Love- Part 21

Don't go! Please don't go!", he repeated. People looked at us with confusion. There was a lot of commotion.People were speaking in low soft voices. It was about us. They were witnessing a dramatic scene which was quite entertaining. But I didn't want to be part of this.

Tears swelled my eyes. "I can't . I waited too long.", I said softly. He walked closer towards me until distance seemed minimal. "Please don't go. I am sorry. I am sorry for drifting away from you. I am sorry for not understanding our special relationships.", he said. Everything that he said was irony to my ears. 

I looked away from him. My heart was melting. Second thoughts were screaming from nowhere. "Please don't do this! I have to leave.", I said. " I am sorry for hurting your emotions. You loved me with all heart. I was selfish...", he couldn't complete his sentence and I started to leave.

He grabbed my hand suddenly. " Don't ... I can't leave without you even a single second. You are my life . Yes! I am fool to discard you away. But that's stupid mistake that I am ready to change.", he said.

I stared at confused eyes of my dear ones. I looked at Rajveer one more time. I smiled though tears didn't seem to stop. " Please don't let me say this! But I had tough time to get away from you. I am leading my life peacefully. I am ready to forgive you but I can't let you in my life. Bye !",I said releasing my hand. " Don't go! Don't go!", he said. " You discarded me like a vegetable. You didn't give me chance to prove my love. You forgot our years of friendship. This is the best I can do- Forgive you.", I said.

He was shocked. He fell down to the grounds like the lost warrior.I couldn't see him in pain. I pulled him up and hugged him.. our old friendly hug that glued our relationship But I didn't let it melt the pain I had. He had taken time to understand us. But I had self pride. I didn't want to lose myself again. I walked inside the airport with new found confidence and hope.



                                               ***** The end *****

This shit called Love- Part 20

I got busy for a month on the preparation to begin new chapter in my life. Life was taking a beautiful turn. My mind and soul was focused on this course. I had a purpose in my life at last. I started believing in dreams that I had trashed long time. Rajveer exited my life long back.

My family supported me throughout this journey. They had no clue about my broken relationship status with Rajveer (Surprisingly, I stopped calling him sugar candy). Anyway, they never asked me about it. I guess, everyone was so busy with work.Mum helped me with shopping for clothes. Dad gave me approval to send me away to a strange country. He took the charge of all documentation regarding my university and travel. Mahi helped in other petty work.

Suddenly,I was surrounded with people who cared about me. I became alive and visible. My heart wasn't healed yet. I still thought about him. How could I forget him so easily? He was there for goddamit fifteen years. I thought I knew him so well. For godsake, I shared every possible minute with him. He knew me inside and out. How could he break my heart like this?

The day arrived soon. I had packed my stuffs and was at the airport. Everyone came to bid me farewell except Rajveer. His absence didn't affect me so much now. But I wished he could make it for me one last time. I hoped he would forget the past and atleast wished me luck. I did message him that I was leaving though my conscience scolded me. As usual he didn't message.

I looked at my watch. I still had fifteen minutes. I was filled with mixed emotions. I wanted to go but there was a pinch of anxiety in me. Fear of leaving my dear ones and the world that I knew very well engulfed me. Failures and uncertain future scared me though I kept myself calm. I always had issues with welcoming the future. Well, Rajveer would be always there for me to make me feel better about future. But he wasn't there now.

As I got ready to leave, I heard my name called. It was familiar voice. I turned back to see Rajveer. He looked crushed. He hadn't shaved for days. His eyes looked red due to lack of sleep. He had become more leaner and weak. My heart was broken into pieces after looking at his condition. What had happened to him? Why was he looking so pale?   "Don't go, Suhani! ", he said.

(To be continued)

This Shit called Love- Part 19

I didn't  like the way the things were working out in my life. Everything was normal that day except the zombie feeling within my heart. I was sitting outside while trying to make sense out of my life. 

I had checked my mailbox for the nth time. There was no new mail. I had already accepted the fact that I was useless and always required Rajveer in my life. In order words I was dependent on him.

I traveled back to my past when I started reading his old messages. How much fun we had during those days. Every special moment spent with him became more special to me.Now life seemed like plain vanilla. 

I was awakened from the thoughts of my past when Mahi rushed to me with an envelope. "I bet you will jump with joy when you read this.", she said while handing me the envelope. 

I didn't want to open it. But she forced me to do it. I opened it with lack of excitement and energy. I read the words. It said that my designs were unique and fresh. I didn't bother to read the rest and jumped to last line.

I read the bold letters- You have been accepted. It didn't strike me until I read again. I was accepted. I was accepted. Omg! I have been accepted. This is great! My designs won me a scholarship. I jumped with triumph and I felt like I got my life back. I hugged Mahi.

(To be continued)

This shit called Love- Part 18

It was too hard for me to get out of this stage. Love was pain. It's easy to fall but it takes lot of courage and time for you to fall out of love. I had tried to get away from him but eventually I would end up calling him zillion times while he never responded to any of calls. I would send personal messages to him waiting for days for his reply.

He never replied or tried to visit me. I lost hopes of waiting for him until I got bored of being confined in my four walled prison cum fortress. I had start a new lease of life rather than waste my time on a person who didn't care about me.

I tried to infuse myself with people who I had not spoken to. But I felt like a zombie in land of humans. Sometimes I would walk towards his place to get a glimpse of what he was upto. But I couldn't stay for single minute. I would feel the rush of emotions tear me whenever I thought about him.

I had to do something productive to alleviate the pain. I  saw an envelope sitting on the table. I had received a request to participate in elite designer show where the winners would get scholarship for fashion designer course. The envelope remained on my study table for days.

I looked at it one more time after so many weeks. The show was next month. I sat down with the designs I had hidden in my creative minds.

Later I sent it to them, waiting for their response. They didn't reply. As  usual it was my crappy luck or maybe I hadn't  seen deadline. I fell into my old self of zombiness.

(To be continued)