Consensual- Part 8

I had no courage to ask what was going on. Hey! I knew what was going to happen. I was going to be doomed for the sin I did. I knew dad would send me to faraway place where I would learn to stay within my boundaries. Mother was not going to talk to me for some time.  People would talk about me and disorient the news about me. Praveen! What would happen to him? He was going to be in wrong limelight because of me. I hate that!

I sat alone in my room. I was forbidden to have any contact from outside world. The only people I ever had contact to were my maids who bought me food. But I hardly could eat. I was having mixed bag of feelings- I was scared as well as anxious. I wanted to know what was cooking behind these walls.

I would try to get the news from my maid. But they refused to give in any details. I stayed clueless for many days about my future. I spent my days in hope of when sun rays would appear at my door. One fine day, I saw my dad come to my room. I got up excitedly like an overjoyed kid who had got a new toy. But at the same time, I felt pain about what was going to happen. I prayed that every single minute that was going to pass to be a positive one.

“ i am ashamed about what took place. I never expected that you, my obdient child would stab me from behind. I always got you the best things you wished for. What did you give in return ? Pain ! Grief! Disappointment! I am very unhappy with you. I will never forgive you.”, he said, wounding my heart more.

However his words were right. i did wrong. I couldn't control my heart. I blamed myself for whatever I had caused. If and only if i had controlled myself that day, this wouldn’t have happened. I started crying. I didn’t try to defend myself. My dad kept on talking. “ Now what has happened cannot be changed. We , elders have made a decision. ( long pause). We are getting you married next month.”, he said.

I was shocked..shell shocked! I didn’t know how to react.  I was disillusioned. I didn’t whether to be happy or sad. i was neither confused nor did I understand anything. What was happening? Why were we being married. I tried to voice in my opinion. But i knew I didnt have any say into this.

(To be continued)

Consensual -part 7

I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt difficult to breathe. All this was suffocating me. I had to get away. I was in rebel mode. I walked out of the gathering. It wasn’t too far when I felt something pull my hand. I looked behind to see him hold my hand to stop me. His eyes were filled with red flames of anger. It was no longer sea blue.

“Where are you going?”, he asked , holding my hand tight. I felt the pain and tried to free myself. Even though he was skinny, his grip was really strong. “Leave my hand. You are hurting me.”, I said softly. “I won’t leave until you tell me where you going?”, he said stubbornly. I felt the tears rush out of my eyes. I controlled it. “ Why do you want to know? You don’t love me. Why?”, I said, trying not to break down. However my emotion affected my voice.

“Stop creating scene! You think that if you leave, everything will be fine. No! Don’t make me look bad. See, I was never into you. I have been straight with you about my feelings. You don’t know me very well. How can you call this love? Get over it, girl.”, he said.

“I will not go. Leave me alone!”, I screamed. He pulled my hand and dragged me against my wishes. I cried the whole way. We were greeted by our families while dad looked suspiciously quiet. The music had stopped. There were no more friendly chats except for gossip whispers in the crowd. We were in spotlight.

His dad , Shantaram Uncle came close to us and slapped Praveen hard. His cheek was swollen and red. We didn’t understand the commotion and stood stunned. My dad walked out and didn’t say much. Mother pulled me and followed dad. I was still disillusioned by recent episode. What was that? Why were there not talking about it? Did they … No, don’t tell me they got to know about us.

(To be continued)

Consensual-part 6

It was new years eve. I didn’t want to be a part of any celebrations. I wanted to be left alone. But as always I never got chance to voice my desire. I had to come. I was perfect daughter in eyes of my parents.

I sulked the whole time. I made myself invisible amongst the known crowd. I didn’t feel like mingling with people. I felt so small. I couldn’t even leave even if I wanted to. I sat alone looking at people enjoying their time. They were dancing , singing, chatting and playing. Everyone were enjoying except me. Few of them called me to join in, but I wasn’t feeling good. I dismissed their offer politely.

My heart still was beating for him. My eyes searched for him even after he broke my heart so easily. My conscious was secretly scolding me for my indiscretion towards him. How could I let my heartbreaker into my life?

I stopped my search abruptly when I found him. My heart beat increased at alarming rate with excitement. But it stopped when I saw him candidly chatting with one of my cousin, Aarti on whom I intensely loathed.  What did she have  that I didn’t. She wasn’t pretty to look at. She wasn’t articulate either. What made her so different from me? I wouldn’t call myself pretty but I was indeed smarter than her. I could differentiate between A and B unlike her. Maybe it was her sweet talk or her falling on every guy she lay eyes on. 

Whatever her trick was, I prayed Praveen didn’t fall into.

But my prayers didn’t fall into the ears of God. I saw him smiling carelessly at every stupid joke of her. Her bloody PJs! The rumours were right. She had ditched her last boyfriend because he couldn’t afford to tolerate her nonsensical behaviour. Now she was back of my sweetheart. I wish he could see her tricks clearly.

I wanted to barge into their conversation and pull him out. But I couldn’t. Why would he listen to me? I was a kid in his eyes. Oh! How innocent his smile was? It would bring some light in his sea blue eyes. I wish he did that when he was with me. He looked  his best in red tee and baggy pants. I wanted to hug him so bad. Life becomes a miserable bitch when you don’t get what you deserve.

(To be continued)

Consensual - part 5

His expression changed from astonishment to funny one. He laughed like a kid. I stood there , not sure why he was laughing. "Oh my god! Seriously? I don't have any words.", he laughed.

"I didn't understand...", I stammered.  "You wouldn't understand. How will you? You are a kid who believes in fantasy world. This is not love. You are just infatuated, kiddo.", he said.

For a second, I didn't react. It took me few minutes to understand what was happening. My eyes swelled up. I was controlling my emotions. I didn't want to look like a crybaby. I smiled and said, " I know what you mean. I am so dumb that I thought this feeling to be love." He looked at his watch constantly. " I hope you understood what I meant. I have never seen you anything more than just a kid.", he said smoothly.

He left me alone stranded with my emotions. My heart pained. I wanted to cry but I had to control. I locked myself inside my room. These four walls had become my best friend for quite sometime. Somehow it seemed they understood my problems better. I couldn't disclose these heartbreak feelings with my family as they were still in their conventional thinking. I had to bring in my brightest side whenever I was with them.

But I was in serious pain. It had damaged me. I had lost everything that I had. It was difficult for me to cope up with sorrow and grief. More than that it was difficult for me to be different person at different hours. Sometimes I wondered that I may suffer personality disorder.

I couldn't vent my temper on anything. I was burning inside. I had become puppet of my heart. I didn't want to hurt others but in the end I was hurting myself too much.


(To be continued)

Consensual - part 4

"So how's life, kiddo?" , he asked, breaking the silence. Life! It's miserable without him. Well! I couldn't tell that. Why does he keep calling me kiddo. I am not a kid.

"Good! College is over at last.", I said, trying to sound friendly although my voice was too weak to prove that.

"You are free now. You must be having a blast with your friends.", he said excitedly. Enjoyment is nothing without him and friends... I have distanced from them when my heart was not with me. "Dad asked me to assist him with some official work. So I am starting from tomorrow.", I said. "Oh! That's boring. You should enjoy your life more. Work will be there but make fun a part of your life.", he adviced.

I nodded my head as if I was going to introduce fun into my life now. Fun was out of my life for quite sometime. But if he comes into my life, I would get fun back.

As I thought about our equation, a voice screamed inside my head, asking when I would tell him about my hidden feelings. " I ... I had called you that day . You didn't come. I guess you were busy with some work.", I said, hoping that I wasn't rude.

"That day... Oh! I am sorry, love. I was busy with few things and the meeting was out of my mind.", he said, making baby face that he had forgotten about it. "Anyway,you wanted to tell me something!", he added. I was surprised that he remembered at least about what I wanted to meet him for.

I got all my courage to tell him about my true feelings. But my heart ached to tell them. "I.. I..I", I stammered. "What is it, kid? You can tell me freely. I won't bite you.", he said. I mustered the courage to highest level and said with closed eyes, " I love you!" I opened my eyes slowly to see the reactions. My fingers were crossed. I waited for him to speak. He looked stunned. Later he gave his usual charming smile. This confused me. What did that mean? Did he feel the same way as I did?

(To be continued)

Consensual-part 3

I was not myself that day. I closed myself from the whole behind the four walls. I had to deal a lot of emotions and that voice kept pulling me down. Why? Why didn't he come? Did he forget or was it on purpose? I felt an urge to call him. But I controlled it. Who am I to him? Nothing! A girl who was in love with him with no expectations. He was never close to me. We hardly spoke.

I kept to myself for few days. I was distant to everyone though it didn't matter to anyone. Food and water was tasteless to me. I hardly felt like eating. Or I could say I hardly felt.

Few days later I saw the miracle approaching towards home. He was in usual tees and black jeans. The clothes were too lose for his skelton body. He had worst dressing choice. Who could wear faded green shirt with weird wordings? Gross! But his smile was more than enough to turn me into his puppy.

I was in the balcony , observing him walk towards the doorstep. As our eyes met, my cheeks reddened. It felt like the epic scene from Romeo and Juliet where I was Juliet anxious of her Romeo.

I walked downstairs hurriedly. There he was with my dad, talking about how the world and politics have changed. As he looked at me, I felt my skin tingle. My heart was beating fast. My mind became blank.

"Shruti, see who has come here to meet you.", my dad called. I was so glued into him that I didn't hear my name being called. "Hi", I said in faint voice. "Hey! Wassup kiddo!", he said. I sat next to my dad. I didn't speak word. Thanks to my dad! He did most of the talking. I prayed for some work to arrive so that dad could leave and I could have privacy with him.

Why did he call me kiddo? I was not a kid. Am I to him? The phone rang admist of the dad's conversation and my thoughts. I picked it up. It was for dad. I gave him the receiver. While he spoke on the phone, I gazed at my love. I gazed at his eyes, looking for the answer for that day.

" I have some work, kid. Meet you sometime.", dad said. I was overjoyed that he was leaving at last. In fee minutes, he and I were alone in complete silence.

How do I ask him? Should I ask him first? I had no experience in all this stuff. But someone had to do the talking.

(To be continued)

Consensual -part 2

It had been two years since I knew him. But he was still a mystery to me though I continued to love him more day by day.   Everyday I would get to know a new fact about him. I wouldn't lose any opportunity to meet him. But every time I lay my eyes on him, he would be so preoccupied with his surroundings. He would always be in hurry to leave.

I never had the guts to stop him. Why would I? What was I to him? Nothing , just a student who was in love with him.... Puppy love. Did he ever know how much I loved him. Anyway I didn't stop my feeling for him to grow.

I tried all my best to impress him. I wore prettiest dress and look my best. But his eyes never lay on me. He was more interested in his phone. I always hoped it wasn't his girlfriend. In my deepest ocean of my heart, I wished that I was the first girl in his life.

Today was going to be special day for me. I was going to disclose my feelings to my beloved. As every minute passed, I blushed thinking about the time. How did I get courage to speak to him now? I don't know. Maybe it was my friend Abby's love life that induced me to take the step. Maybe it was also his charm that pushed to tell him truth. I didn't want my love story to end up being unrequited love story.

He had right to know what I feel. So one fine day I called him to tell him that I wanted to share something and therefore wanted to meet him. He agreed to meet though he was bit suspicious of the meeting. We decided to meet at an old cafe at today's evening.

Today came so soon. I was excited and took a lot of time to decide on what to wear and what accessories matched the best. I had changed about dozen dresses to come with a perfect chic look. I also rehearsed on what I was to tell him. After making blunders, I came with the lines I would tell him.

I reached on time. But there was no sign of him. I still waited for him . He didn't show up. My heart pained. Voices started mocking at me. They called me dumb to believe him. I tried blocking my mind. I couldn't. I walked out of the cafe with disappointment but still with a hope he would come back.

(To be continued)