Consensual-part 10

It hurts when you know the ending of your story is going to turn out sour. The person I wanted to lead my life with ,didn't want me. He was more than annoyed with me. My family was annoyed with me. Few of my friends pitied my conditions and other few of them mocked at me. Marriage became a nightmare that I wanted to get away from. But I couldn’t. Did I have any choice?  I had become slave of my emotions

Falling in love had become a sin for which I was paying huge. I wanted to rip my heart out and take that emotions out. I wanted to be cold. Unfortunately it was impossible task. Love has so many colours. One of them is blue and it is painful.

I thought our wedding was going to be small affair with us getting registered married. But it was other way round.  I had become used to unexpected happenings. Though family weren’t happy with sudden plans, but they got together. The house was in full swing of preparation for wedding. Everyone were busy with the wedding plan. There were few ceremonies that was going to take place before wedding. Elders made it mandatory to have all sorts of ceremonies. However after all the protests and discussions, they stuck with few events.

As official announcement to people, we were engaged in front of few people. It was quite solemn event. No one was really happy except few of them. His smile had disappeared from his face. I felt so guilty for taking away the brightness from his life. I wish I could do something to bring back that smile that had stolen my heart.

We exchanged rings. He put the ring onto my finger with bored expression or I could say as if he was forced. I didn’t let my tears out though I badly wanted. I wished I could free him. But I was bounded too into this fruitless relationship.Our families were too traditional to ask our opinion before binding us together.

I put the ring onto his finger too quick. I wanted to get over with soon. We were engaged in front of the people. But we were two separate individuals to each other with different needs in life. One small incident  had changed our lives with span of minutes. We had two weeks left for our wedding. I hoped that day never came.

(To be continued)

Consensual - part 9

I had to meet him. I had to know what was going on in his mind. What was he feeling right now? But how will I meet him? I was not allowed to go out. I could call him. But would he come?

I fought the urge to call him. As usual I lost. I called him through one of my maid's cell phone ( I had indiscreetly bribed her with one of my favorite vintage perfume).

I dialled his number hurriedly. I checked it twice to see if it was the right number. It was ringing. He hadn't picked up. After few rings, he picked it up. His voice from other side of the call calmed my heart.

"Hi! How are you? I am sorry about all this. I know how you must be feeling,..", I said but he didn't allow me to complete my sentence. " You don't understand anything about my feelings. So stop the crap! I was sweet to you and it was my mistake. You don't have to feel sorry.", he said, pinching my heart with his mean words.

"I am sorry! I didn't want to hurt you. I never intended for all this to happen.", I cried. "Your sorry cannot change anything. What happend has already happened. You crying for this is of no use.", he said. He was right. It was of no use crying.

"If you are done talking, can I leave? I have work to do. Bye!", he said and cut the call. I was left alone again with pain and grief. I had learnt something- this marriage was going to be a big disaster.

(To be continued)

Consensual- Part 8

I had no courage to ask what was going on. Hey! I knew what was going to happen. I was going to be doomed for the sin I did. I knew dad would send me to faraway place where I would learn to stay within my boundaries. Mother was not going to talk to me for some time.  People would talk about me and disorient the news about me. Praveen! What would happen to him? He was going to be in wrong limelight because of me. I hate that!

I sat alone in my room. I was forbidden to have any contact from outside world. The only people I ever had contact to were my maids who bought me food. But I hardly could eat. I was having mixed bag of feelings- I was scared as well as anxious. I wanted to know what was cooking behind these walls.

I would try to get the news from my maid. But they refused to give in any details. I stayed clueless for many days about my future. I spent my days in hope of when sun rays would appear at my door. One fine day, I saw my dad come to my room. I got up excitedly like an overjoyed kid who had got a new toy. But at the same time, I felt pain about what was going to happen. I prayed that every single minute that was going to pass to be a positive one.

“ i am ashamed about what took place. I never expected that you, my obdient child would stab me from behind. I always got you the best things you wished for. What did you give in return ? Pain ! Grief! Disappointment! I am very unhappy with you. I will never forgive you.”, he said, wounding my heart more.

However his words were right. i did wrong. I couldn't control my heart. I blamed myself for whatever I had caused. If and only if i had controlled myself that day, this wouldn’t have happened. I started crying. I didn’t try to defend myself. My dad kept on talking. “ Now what has happened cannot be changed. We , elders have made a decision. ( long pause). We are getting you married next month.”, he said.

I was shocked..shell shocked! I didn’t know how to react.  I was disillusioned. I didn’t whether to be happy or sad. i was neither confused nor did I understand anything. What was happening? Why were we being married. I tried to voice in my opinion. But i knew I didnt have any say into this.

(To be continued)

Consensual -part 7

I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt difficult to breathe. All this was suffocating me. I had to get away. I was in rebel mode. I walked out of the gathering. It wasn’t too far when I felt something pull my hand. I looked behind to see him hold my hand to stop me. His eyes were filled with red flames of anger. It was no longer sea blue.

“Where are you going?”, he asked , holding my hand tight. I felt the pain and tried to free myself. Even though he was skinny, his grip was really strong. “Leave my hand. You are hurting me.”, I said softly. “I won’t leave until you tell me where you going?”, he said stubbornly. I felt the tears rush out of my eyes. I controlled it. “ Why do you want to know? You don’t love me. Why?”, I said, trying not to break down. However my emotion affected my voice.

“Stop creating scene! You think that if you leave, everything will be fine. No! Don’t make me look bad. See, I was never into you. I have been straight with you about my feelings. You don’t know me very well. How can you call this love? Get over it, girl.”, he said.

“I will not go. Leave me alone!”, I screamed. He pulled my hand and dragged me against my wishes. I cried the whole way. We were greeted by our families while dad looked suspiciously quiet. The music had stopped. There were no more friendly chats except for gossip whispers in the crowd. We were in spotlight.

His dad , Shantaram Uncle came close to us and slapped Praveen hard. His cheek was swollen and red. We didn’t understand the commotion and stood stunned. My dad walked out and didn’t say much. Mother pulled me and followed dad. I was still disillusioned by recent episode. What was that? Why were there not talking about it? Did they … No, don’t tell me they got to know about us.

(To be continued)

Consensual-part 6

It was new years eve. I didn’t want to be a part of any celebrations. I wanted to be left alone. But as always I never got chance to voice my desire. I had to come. I was perfect daughter in eyes of my parents.

I sulked the whole time. I made myself invisible amongst the known crowd. I didn’t feel like mingling with people. I felt so small. I couldn’t even leave even if I wanted to. I sat alone looking at people enjoying their time. They were dancing , singing, chatting and playing. Everyone were enjoying except me. Few of them called me to join in, but I wasn’t feeling good. I dismissed their offer politely.

My heart still was beating for him. My eyes searched for him even after he broke my heart so easily. My conscious was secretly scolding me for my indiscretion towards him. How could I let my heartbreaker into my life?

I stopped my search abruptly when I found him. My heart beat increased at alarming rate with excitement. But it stopped when I saw him candidly chatting with one of my cousin, Aarti on whom I intensely loathed.  What did she have  that I didn’t. She wasn’t pretty to look at. She wasn’t articulate either. What made her so different from me? I wouldn’t call myself pretty but I was indeed smarter than her. I could differentiate between A and B unlike her. Maybe it was her sweet talk or her falling on every guy she lay eyes on. 

Whatever her trick was, I prayed Praveen didn’t fall into.

But my prayers didn’t fall into the ears of God. I saw him smiling carelessly at every stupid joke of her. Her bloody PJs! The rumours were right. She had ditched her last boyfriend because he couldn’t afford to tolerate her nonsensical behaviour. Now she was back of my sweetheart. I wish he could see her tricks clearly.

I wanted to barge into their conversation and pull him out. But I couldn’t. Why would he listen to me? I was a kid in his eyes. Oh! How innocent his smile was? It would bring some light in his sea blue eyes. I wish he did that when he was with me. He looked  his best in red tee and baggy pants. I wanted to hug him so bad. Life becomes a miserable bitch when you don’t get what you deserve.

(To be continued)

Consensual - part 5

His expression changed from astonishment to funny one. He laughed like a kid. I stood there , not sure why he was laughing. "Oh my god! Seriously? I don't have any words.", he laughed.

"I didn't understand...", I stammered.  "You wouldn't understand. How will you? You are a kid who believes in fantasy world. This is not love. You are just infatuated, kiddo.", he said.

For a second, I didn't react. It took me few minutes to understand what was happening. My eyes swelled up. I was controlling my emotions. I didn't want to look like a crybaby. I smiled and said, " I know what you mean. I am so dumb that I thought this feeling to be love." He looked at his watch constantly. " I hope you understood what I meant. I have never seen you anything more than just a kid.", he said smoothly.

He left me alone stranded with my emotions. My heart pained. I wanted to cry but I had to control. I locked myself inside my room. These four walls had become my best friend for quite sometime. Somehow it seemed they understood my problems better. I couldn't disclose these heartbreak feelings with my family as they were still in their conventional thinking. I had to bring in my brightest side whenever I was with them.

But I was in serious pain. It had damaged me. I had lost everything that I had. It was difficult for me to cope up with sorrow and grief. More than that it was difficult for me to be different person at different hours. Sometimes I wondered that I may suffer personality disorder.

I couldn't vent my temper on anything. I was burning inside. I had become puppet of my heart. I didn't want to hurt others but in the end I was hurting myself too much.


(To be continued)

Consensual - part 4

"So how's life, kiddo?" , he asked, breaking the silence. Life! It's miserable without him. Well! I couldn't tell that. Why does he keep calling me kiddo. I am not a kid.

"Good! College is over at last.", I said, trying to sound friendly although my voice was too weak to prove that.

"You are free now. You must be having a blast with your friends.", he said excitedly. Enjoyment is nothing without him and friends... I have distanced from them when my heart was not with me. "Dad asked me to assist him with some official work. So I am starting from tomorrow.", I said. "Oh! That's boring. You should enjoy your life more. Work will be there but make fun a part of your life.", he adviced.

I nodded my head as if I was going to introduce fun into my life now. Fun was out of my life for quite sometime. But if he comes into my life, I would get fun back.

As I thought about our equation, a voice screamed inside my head, asking when I would tell him about my hidden feelings. " I ... I had called you that day . You didn't come. I guess you were busy with some work.", I said, hoping that I wasn't rude.

"That day... Oh! I am sorry, love. I was busy with few things and the meeting was out of my mind.", he said, making baby face that he had forgotten about it. "Anyway,you wanted to tell me something!", he added. I was surprised that he remembered at least about what I wanted to meet him for.

I got all my courage to tell him about my true feelings. But my heart ached to tell them. "I.. I..I", I stammered. "What is it, kid? You can tell me freely. I won't bite you.", he said. I mustered the courage to highest level and said with closed eyes, " I love you!" I opened my eyes slowly to see the reactions. My fingers were crossed. I waited for him to speak. He looked stunned. Later he gave his usual charming smile. This confused me. What did that mean? Did he feel the same way as I did?

(To be continued)